How to Deal with Disappointments in Sports and Life

Everyone messes up or falls short of a goal. But when you’re an Olympic athlete, those losses can happen on a grand scale. And yet, most of these athletes manage to bounce back, continue in their sport, and sometimes ultimately win. How do they do it? Learning to deal with disappointment is one way.

Knowing how to avoid disappointment comes down to resilience, says Eric A. Zillmer, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, Carl R. Pacifico Professor of Neuropsychology, and athletic director emeritus at Drexel University in Philadelphia. Sure, it comes easier to some people than others. But we can all learn to cultivate this valuable trait.

“It’s a myth that you can’t learn how to be more resilient. It’s easier said than done, but we can change our mindset, goals, and habits,” Zillmer explains.

And the skill doesn’t just help with sports. Greater resilience makes it easier to deal with setbacks at work, in your relationships and virtually every other area of ​​your life, Zillmer says.

Here’s how he helps athletes in his psychology practice do just that, and his advice on how you can do the same.

1. Take responsibility for your thoughts

Failure hurts, whether it’s losing a championship, missing out on a big promotion, or ending a relationship. And it’s perfectly okay to let yourself feel that way. But at some point, you have to change the story.

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“Let’s get back on the high horse after a day or two. Let’s get over the adversity quickly,” says Zillmer, who notes that sometimes athletes have to make this mental shift even in the middle of a competition or performance.

How do you do that? Try to remind yourself that “you are responsible for your thinking. Think about how you came to that conclusion and see if you can move to a different conclusion,” he says.

In other words, you’re only a loser if You decide that you are. You can also choose to decide that you are someone who lost a match or missed out on a promotion but can do better next time. It’s your decision!

2. See your failure as a data point (not the end result)

Failure can feel like the end of the world when it first happens. Zillmer advises his athletes to manage the sense of catastrophe by viewing the loss as a source of information (“I failed here because of X, Y or Z”), rather than an ultimate assessment of their abilities or their entire athletic career. “It takes the emotion out of it,” he says.

Once you can absorb that information objectively, “you can use it as a springboard to turn the loss into an opportunity,” to come up with a plan to do better next time, he explains. And that can actually make you hungry for the future, rather than dwelling on the past.

“If you can invite failure into your life and turn it into opportunity, you have just won a gold medal in your own soul.” —Eric A. Zillmer, PsyD

3. Take it day by day

Sometimes, you know from the start that your comeback path is going to be long. When that happens, you can make the journey more manageable by breaking it down into small steps. For athletes who have suffered an injury, Zillmer encourages them to “set some short-term goals around rehab, healing, and walking. We’re not thinking about winning a championship here, we’re just trying to get you moving again.”

Of course, this doesn’t just apply to the sports world. For example, if you get laid off unexpectedly, start by making a step-by-step plan for what you’re going to do to find another job, and check those boxes off one by one. Task one might be to decide if honing certain skills would make you more hireable, and then take a course to learn them. Task two might be to reach out to everyone in your network to let them know you’re on the job market. And so on.

4. Lean on your team

Athletes often have a literal team to fall back on, but we all have people we can lean on for support when we’re struggling. So reach out to them. “The worst thing you can do is sit in a room by yourself and not tell anyone what’s going on,” Zillmer says.

The key is to reach out to people who will encourage you to do the work needed to heal. After a breakup, spend more time with friends who invite you to join their pickleball game or knitting club so you can have fun trying out a new hobby, and less time with those who push you to get revenge on your ex or create a new online dating profile. “The people should be process-oriented, not focused on whether you win or lose,” Zillmer says.

5. Remember your “why”

A major setback can make you want to give up completely at that moment. When you feel the urge to throw in the towel, take a moment to think about why you started this in the first place. Maybe you’re training for that marathon to show your kids how strong you can be.

“Most athletes have a personal reason why they do something. If you go back to the ‘why,’ you can tolerate almost any ‘how,’” Zillmer says.

6. Flip the script

It’s easy to become more focused on the outcome (did you win or lose?) than the process (how did you grow during the preparation process?), both in sports and in life. Making yourself more interested in the journey than the outcome can make you more resilient when you fall short, Zillmer says.

Maybe your fundraiser didn’t raise as much as you hoped, but you still gained some loyal donors and learned how to do better next time.

7. Know that this will make you better (even if it doesn’t feel like it)

No one wants to hear this right after an epic failure, but it’s true: adversity can make you stronger. Zillmer encourages his athletes to take on challenges because they encourage you to work harder and do better next time.

“Failure is a prerequisite for success,” he says. “If you can invite failure into your life and turn it into opportunity, you’ve just won a gold medal in your own soul.”

When should you see a therapist?

Whether it’s in sports or life, it can always help to talk through a struggle with a mental health professional. But it’s definitely worth seeking help if you’re having trouble coping on your own or if your failures are interfering with your daily life. According to the American Psychological Association, that might look like this:

• Spending a lot of time thinking about it (e.g. more than an hour a day)
• Scaling back goals or ambitions related to failure
• Not wanting to talk about the problem with others because it is embarrassing

A therapist can help you get to the heart of what’s going on. Together you can find ways to reframe the situation and move forward toward your goals.