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Floops Big House Adventure is a Nickelodeon Saturday morning shooter full of horrific scenes

I once won a terrible board game from Nickelodeon. I say “won”. Actually, I got disconnected when I called a contest line after I got through, got loudly angry, my mother called to complain, they put me through to the next contest, I got the quiz answer wrong, and the host pretended to hear the right answer and pulled a prize from the large prize pool. It was a copy of The Game of Life, possibly the least exciting board game a child can win.

The game was dog water, and there’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about how cool and good it is to whine until you get free stuff, but we don’t have time for that. Instead, I’d like to direct your attention to Floops Big House Adventure. It’s a filthy, slimy, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters meets Ren and Stimpy Saturday morning shooter. Some of you will hate it from the header screenshot, I’m sure. Personally, the art immediately drew me in.

Watch on YouTube

It’s pretty simple in terms of the shooting. Horrible little bastards come from all sides and you use a selection of collectible weapons to blast them with gunfire. Floop farts when you get hit and his life is measured out in tacos, to paraphrase TS Eliot. Shoot enough horrible little bastards and a horrible big bastard will appear.

There are some jumping hairball freaks who always look painful until they jump, at which point their anguished expression turns into a faint, flatulent smile, as if they’ve been temporarily relieved of crippling joint pain. There are some Bart Vs The Space Mutants-esque tentacles. There’s an upgrade shop run by a smoking, anus-headed gentleman named Bob.

I played with mouse and keyboard, but it’s a bit stiff, so controller is your best option here – it gets more bullet-hellish as you progress. Here’s what the Steam page says:

FEATURES

  • Quick Runs – Floops can be completed in under 20 minutes!
  • Retro Saturday morning cartoon action!
  • Nostalgic Nickelodeon style!
  • 90’s references galore! Spot them everywhere in Floops House.
  • Random waves will keep you on your toes as cartoon mayhem erupts. Master the different attacks and enemy patterns to get the highest score!
  • Item synergies and boosts await! Try them all to see what unique combos you can come up with.
  • Hardcore Mode! Beat the game with healing restrictions to test your mettle.
  • Nice costumes to relax in!

20 minutes, you say! That’s just enough time to eat several large bowls of cereal and a few lollipops marketed as Too Sour To Handle, unless you’re a real man. I actually don’t miss the 90s at all, now that I think about it.

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