Jenny Slate felt ‘purple-dark hole’ emotions after giving birth

Jenny Slate really became aware of the reality of being postpartum and feeling what she called a “purple-dark hole” after the birth of her daughter Ida.

“I can’t tell if it’s inside me, or if it puts me in the spotlight, or if it’s a price tag on me, as if it shows how much time I cost everyone else or waste for myself,” the 42-year-old wrote in Slate her memoirs. Life formreleased on Tuesday, October 22. “The purple-dark hole sounds like a version of white noise that has been corrupted. Instead of doing what white noise does, which is to clear and smooth out the atmosphere, what I hear from this hole is more like purple noise.”

Slate added that the feeling was a “raspy” sound that would fill her mind with intrusive thoughts of self-doubt.

“Of course, this purple-dark afternoon event also vomits messages about me, or about the state of affairs: ‘You are nothing, something bad will happen, something bad is happening,’” she wrote. “And it is very uncomfortable because of course I feel threatened by these statements, but I also cannot determine what is bad and why I am bad or why I am nothing, but still I feel that somehow hole is telling the truth and I just have to admit it.”

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The actress said she “tried” to stop the feelings, but ended up feeling “pressed” by them.

Slate welcomed daughter Ida with husband Ben Shattuck in February 2021. In addition to struggling mentally after becoming a new mother, Slate opened up about her experience with childbirth and its complications.

“When you were first born, the doctor had to try everything to get you out of the opening of my vagina, and of course I had to try everything too,” Slate wrote to her daughter. “I asked them to stick the needle into my spine so I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, but this also partially immobilized me, which was to be expected. In most cases, I was immobilized from the waist down while my entire vagina was visible. a room of strangers would be an image from a fear fantasy, but in this case it was for health.”

After giving birth, Slate confessed that she “felt a little shy” around her newborn, adding that she “didn’t want to intrude” while doctors and nurses were caring for her daughter.

“They immediately took you from me because they realized you had your whole body but you didn’t know how to use it,” she continued. “You were trying to learn to breathe, and they put you in a room full of other little wrestlers.”

Slate said she heard doctors took Ida because she “couldn’t breathe.” The comedian admitted that she was “so ashamed” because she didn’t know what was “wrong” with her child and that she “couldn’t solve the problem herself.”

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Despite her struggles, Slate wrote that she eventually came to terms with the cause of her purple-dark hole.

“I considered this purple-dark hole to be a huge annoyance, when all it did was whine because it was desperate to make a request,” she muses. “I have delved into the question of why I can feel so disturbed. I found an answer: it’s because I feel unfinished.

After identifying the target of the purple-dark hole, Slate decided to fight it the only way she knew how.

“I actually have to surround the purple-dark hole with an upper and lower layer of the twigs and strips of my life,” she said. “The ones that are receipts of requests that I have been able to fulfill for myself, little pieces that my life has been working on.”